Stage Four

2006-01-08T16:35:00.000-08:00

Sunday Jan. 8. I know it has been a long time. I have been sick. My mortality has gotten up with me. For
long time I ignored the fact that I am dying but now I have to face facts. Cancer on the brain acts like
small strokes. I have even forgotten what I was going to say. Later gator.

2005-12-26T13:36:00.000-08:00

Monday. December 26. I am writing better today. I think it is better because I am taking a steroid in
preparation to taking a new chemo tomorrow. Please don't nag me because I don't remember the name of
the stuff I will take. The important thing is that I am reading, writing, and thinking better for a while. Sandy
is planning on going to chemo with me tomorrow. I must confess that this bugs me. I would rather not sit and
make small talk with her. But it is only once every 5 or 6 months, so I can bear it.

We had a very Christmas, and some leftovers. We all look like we are on our last legs. I'm dying and in a
wheelchair. Peggy is using oxygen constantly and she has degenerative lung disease. Dad just looks gray
and old, but after all he is 83 years old. Then Perry has use of only one good arm. Actually, poor Craig
is better off than the rest of us.

Looking back on it though, we have had good lives and I have enjoyed our travels best. We have always
traveled in the USA which I do regret. I would have liked to travel in Canada, Mexico, Britain, Australia.
and Europe, mostly in that order. But considering what we could afford, we have done very well. Of course,
our trips to Wyoming and Yellowstone were the best. However, Disney World is fabulous.

We have taken four trips to Disney World and stayed at the Fort Wilderness trailers each time. Unless you
can afford to have concierge service at Flaglers', Fort Wilderness cannot be beaten. I will tell you why.
First of all you have a private trailer that consists of a kitchen, a great room with Murphy bed, television,
sofa, and two chairs. Then there is a full size bath as big as any or bigger than any hotel room. Then finally
there is a bed room with queen size bed, bunk bed, an extra sink, and a full closet. Of course there is
air conditioning and two exits. The kitchen has everything you can use at home: a refrigerator, a stove,
dish washer and all other amenities you could want, including daily maid service. The daily maid service
is enough to make most women drool.

After you arrive at Disney World you have full service of the Disney travel system. You can and do travel
all over the property via bus, lake taxi, and monorail. Of course you can take your own car also, but why?
Most visitors arrange a complete pass to the park so that they can go anywhere they wish. I don't
even remember where that all involves anymore. I know that is all the theme parks: Magic Kingdom,
EPCOT, MGM, and Disney's Wild Kingdom. There is also an island for injured animals and 2 or 3
water parks. Finally there is a place where a person enjoy the night life as well a shopping area. Just
in case, you can visit any of the Disney hotels if you want to taste the restaurants or sample their
theme drinks. They claim to be the world's primer resort destination, and I have no doubt of that.
I believe that a person could probably cover everything, enjoy everything in about 3 to 4 weeks.
There is probably too much repetion designed just to allow every visitor to sample everything.

Frankly, I am tired now so I will follow this up some time later. Chow or is that Chao?

2005-12-25T15:22:00.000-08:00

Sunday, December 25. Christmas Day. I woke up and got up about 10, then had left over moo shu chicken
for breakfast. Sandy arrived before 11 to fix mashed potatoes and rolls. I was going to help but after I took
my pills I began to fix nauseated. I drank some ice water and held the trash bag in front of my face in thinking
that I was going to vomited. Then after a while I went to bed. Sandy and Charlie continued cooking while I
slept for about 2 hrs. When I awoke Sandy had gone; Charlie had finished the potatoes and the bread was
finished. We just sat in stupor for a while then decided to open our presents. I think we were all happy with
our gifts. I know I was, and I think every else one was. We had no more finished our gifts when the rest of the gang arrived: Papa, Peggy, Perry, and Sandy. Sandy had carried her gifts from us to her so that she could open
them. Perry had brought all of his gifts from him to us to open. Again I think everyone was happy. Then
mostly by herself Sandy finished laying out the buffet meal and we all ate. Sandy had ham, turkey, sweet
potato souflet, dressing, mashed potatoes, gravy, salad, crudites, pumpkin pie and pecan pie. I think that was
all but I wouldn't bet on it. As usual we had way too much. We had way too much and ate until we floundered.
We also watched old Bob Hope Christmas specials, which were nostalic. Jesse stopped and picked up
his gift. His half-brother, Nathen, was with him. We had a very good Christmas. About 2:30 or 3 Papa
decided that I needed a nap (joke, he wanted to nap) so Papa and Perry, along with Jesse and Nathan
earlier, all four left. Peggy laid on the sofa while Sandy watched Cash in the Attic and Jackie Brown.
Dan was sleeping, Charlie was on the computer, Craig was on the computer, and I was crocheting.
We were all fat and lazy. Finally about 4 Sandy and Peggy decided to load about half the food and
go home, where we can all vegetate in peace. All in all it was a calm Christmas.

We have had more expensive holidays, we have had small children, we have holidays where we have felt
that we have more sad holidays, and we have had Christmas where we felt that we had a lot to lose.
Since most of us have felt that I will die soon and this is our last time together, it seemed very poignant.
But afterall, we knew my mother was dying; we knew Craig's mom was dying, it is not all that earth
shattering. I am grateful for the time I have known, and I am grateful for the people I have loved. I hope
these people have loved me. Thank you, dear Lord.

2005-12-24T19:40:00.000-08:00

Saturday, December 24. I have done every thing I am going to do to get ready for Christmas. The family
is coming to our house to celebrate. We will open our gifts and have buffet style dinner, sometime in the afternoon. When my Dad or my older sister is tired they will go home. It works for me. They are going to
have ham, turkey, mashed potatoes, candied sweet potatoes, deviled eggs, a tray of vegetables, and I don't know what else. I am sure we will never be hungry. I am sure that I will not be wet or cold so will stay
comfortable. Other than of dying of cancer, I am doing just fine. We do not have all the money we could
use, but we are get along.

In the name of Jesus Christ, we have a wonderful life. I have everything I want, if not every I want.

2005-12-23T20:22:00.000-08:00

Friday, December 23. I am supposed to see Dr. on the 27 for more chemo and for his checkup
Evidently he expected to have me have more chemo earlier than that, perhaps on the week of
the 10. I didn't realize that, neither did his office. I don't think it made much difference. I have reached
a stage where more chemo does't have much good. We can only see.

I could have continued on the trip to San Antonio but I lost track. Let's pick up on the flood waters
outside of San Antonio on Thursday morning. We could fnd only find only one open road, the road to
Bandero. We did not realize that this town was closed in the morning and again at night. Really. We were
so ignorant that we did not realize that in dry land conditions they had quick, sudden floods that ran
over the roads, and then ran down in the afternoon. If we had just stayed at the cafe for a couple of
hours we could then leave. Instead we paid $93 and stayed overnight. The next day we were again
stuck at the cafe (good eggs over easy, bacon, hash browns, toast) and we were again going to spend
the night. Some good Samaritan told us that we could get to I-10 if we just waited a few hours, so
we did that. We decided that we did not have enough time to go to Albuquerque so drove staight
through to Amarillo. We spent the night at the Motel 8 at the Amarillo and then took the I-40 to
Oklahoma City then to I-35 to KC. Peggy kept getting sicker due to a bladder infection with the
intenion of see her Dr. on Monday. By Sunday though she was so sick she needed to go to the
Emergency room. There we found that she had septis and almost died. It was quite a trip all together.

2005-12-22T22:52:00.000-08:00

I have been sick, because of cancer I have difficulty writing. It is similar to having a stroke. I now have
forgotten words, I write like a kindergartener, I not have small my movements on my right arm, I used to
use a wheelchair but could use my left leg with a walker, now I can not lift my left leg except with much
difficulty. I have difficulty using my right hand for eating, going to the bathroom. I can type but slowly.
All this in the course 4 days. I feel very discouraged. I know I will die soon, rather than later. I cannot
do my needlework now, I can crochet but with difficulty and poorly. I simply do not have much good
to say. I would kill myself if I had more courage. There is nothing for me to do. I just don't want my
loved ones suffer and I don't know how to prevent that.

2005-12-13T15:15:00.000-08:00

To continue about San Antonio and the Alamo. The trees are called live oak trees and they grow to
be really huge. They have limbs that grow down to the ground and then back up. Very interesting.
The Alamo was very interesting. I think every American should see it at once. Truthfully, there can
be some controversy about whether who was the aggressor, and who was right or wrong. Nevertheless,
146 men were very valiant and courageous.

After you have performed your obligatory history course, you can go shopping. Along the Alamo Plaza
are a number of Mexican shops full of imported items; everything from very nice silver to very crummy
wooden toys. There is a lunchroom that looks like it has been operating since the 1930's, which is about
the time the River Walk started. The lunch room has pressed tin ceilings along with wooden floors. I had
black eyed peas and corn bread to die for. We went back the next morning for 2 eggs over easy, bacon,
hash browns and toast, again very good. I'd be happy to eat there for every meal, but I think Peggy
thought it was declasse.

I have gotten all out of synch, so I am going to start again in better order. Peggy and I were driving to San
Antonio and arrived fairly early in the day on Friday. We were too early to check in, so we left our
car and luggage and went exploring. We checked out the Alamo chapel. It was very small, made of lime-
stone. They told us that it really is not as the chapel appealed in 1836 but has been restored as it later
appeared. We shopped at the t-shirt
shops and saw some very nice silver jewelry and other Mexican tourist stuff. Finally we were able to
check in to our rooms. That night we asked people how to get to River Walk they looked at us pretty strange.
We were closer to River Walk than we realized. We headed to Boudreus but ended up at some place
like Great American or something. I had a chili burger, not too good; I forget what Peggy ordered but it
was bar and grill type food. We took the water tour of the River Walk and enjoyed that, then went back
to our hotel. Being a couple of old fogies we went to bed early. I found a strange white spot on the
bed spread. It was only months later that I realized what it was. Tomorrow I will continue with the
San Antonio adventure.

2005-12-12T21:41:00.000-08:00

Monday, December 12, 2005. I looked up the date just especially so I would know. I know I am dying
soon, whereas the rest of you just know that you will die some day.. I don't know that that is much different.
I like to eat, I like flowers. Other things I like: dogs, cats, horses, wild animals, Yellowstone, Disney World,
Disneyland, really nice hotels, not so nice hotels, reading, movies, shopping, traveling, Albuquerque, San
Antonio, Santa Fe.

My sister and I went to San Antonio in 2002 or 2003. A little bit too hot, I was too fat but otherwise, it was
great. We stayed at the Emily Morgan, a small boutique type hotel. We were on the 8th floor, on the corner
room. It was supposed to be a lower priced room because it did not face the Alamo, but really, I liked it
better that way. We were high enough that no one could see into our room so we did not need to close the
drapes at any time. We traipsed around naked as much as we wanted. (As if anyone wanted to look at a
couple of old fat women anyway) and stared out on the city streets. The city lights were that goldish color
and we could see people walking down below. The Emily Morgan is right across the street from the Alamo
and the Alamo Plaza. We walked all around the grounds of the Alamo, also the barracks and the chapel.
I cannot remember the name of the trees, they are virginia wild somethings. They are about 30 or 40 ft
but the intriguing thing is that the limbs grow down to the ground, then back up. The limbs are so heavy
they will eventually break off, but they will keep growing until they break. Through out the grounds of the
chapel there is the old, old canals that they used to water the fields. They are still watering plants today,
they just don't need to support people any more. The chapel itself is very small, as are the barracks.
I will write more tomorrow. My care giver wants me to go to bed now. Just like being a kid again.

2005-12-11T19:53:00.000-08:00

Sunday. I fixed rotini and meat sauce. I liked it, and at least the others ate it. That's all we can ask for.
Also I fixed hot bread with Biscuick. My head has been hurting today, that is not a good sign. I sleep
only about 90 minutes at a time, then I get up and take a pee, then go back to sleep. That is my pattern
most of the night. I don't know whether to rejoice or be sad.

I received a note from Sandy. I love email because it is so quick. How is the snail mail ever going to
compete? It will eventually wipe out, if people ever get so that everyone is on the internet. Janet and I
communicate once a day at least, sometimes 3 or 4 or more per day. She is in NC. Imagine what will
be like when one of us is in Australia? The time period is the same now.

I am making pot holders for several of us for Christmas. They are quick and easy and can be kept
without names in case we need last minute gifts. Also I will go through my cabinet for flower holders
that I will fill with candy. These will also act as last minute Christmas gifts. The gifts I have for Peggy,
Sandy, Perry, Dad, Craig, and Phil are on the way. All of them are on the way, but have not arrived
yet. Wait, Phil's books have arrived but not sent to him. That needs to be done tomorrow. Then
I need to wrap the gifts as they arrive. Finally, I need to get gifts for Dan and Charles. I think for those
two I will give them cash so they can get gifts of their own. What about Jesse? He has not given anyone
a gift ever that I know of. I question whether to get anything for him. But I guess I will have a cash
gift prepared for him also. If he shows up, he will get a gift.

That's it for tonight. I am tired and will talk more tomorrow.

2005-12-10T19:46:00.000-08:00

Today is Saturday but I don't remember the date. My head has been aching all date. I hope it goes
away. I really, really hope that it is just a regular headache and not because the headache has been
created by the cancer. I forgot to count how many notes I got from Janet today. I enjoy getting notes
from her even when they are unjointed, disorganized etc. etc. Brother Perry called to say that he gave
Dan $20 to pay for books. He wanted to know who ordered the cookbooks because Sandra had
gotten him confused. He knew that Peggy gave me her credit card number and thought it might have been
for Phil's books. Say that 3 times in a row. No wonder he got confused. But the money from Peggy was
for me, to buy books for my birthday. The books for Phil are for Christmas and I'm going to quit while
I am ahead.

I got feedback!! Someone actually commented on my blog! Actually, she made me cry and I do not want
to cry. But she said some really sweet things and wished she could hug me, and I wish I could hug her
back. I will also try to be more upbeat. I will try to stop bitching so much, and concentrate on happy
things.

Today, yesterday, the day before, the weather has been bitterly cold. Craig shoveled the steps and the
driveway. Daniel lost some important papers but the last I heard, I think he said he had found everything.
Charles has a bad cold. He is trying to stay away from me, taking Nyquil (which someone needs to
go to Walmart or drugstore to get). I need to go through the cabinets to find the flower containers I saved.
They are pretty and will make pretty candy dishes. I will then sew, or in some manner wrap so that
I can make into Christmas gifts. We always need a few last minute, no specific person gifts. I am
also going to try to make pot holders with snow flakes on them for the same non-specific gifts. However
the headache that bothered me today might cause problems with that program.

I made Scimeca's Italian sausage with meat sauce and added Ragu. Then I had rotini to mix with it for
supper. Neither of the boys seemed interested, but Craig and I both ate it. Seemed pretty good for me.
In fact, I am going to have some more now. That's enough blogging for tonight. Tomorrow is football
day so I need to get rested. (That's a joke.)

2005-12-09T20:32:00.000-08:00

Still Friday, part 2. Did I ever mention that I am in this d**** wheelchair? Though modern America claims
to be handicapped friendly, it is not. Many of the rest rooms are supposedly set up for wheel chairs but they
are really not big enough to transfer to a toilet. Also many, many restaurants and shopping areas are too
small for wheelchairs. There is a bar and grill I used to love but I cannot even get into.Furthermore I have to go back behind the bar and then into seating area from back in order to eat.
Of course, I cannot eat in the bar because the tables are those high tables and chairs. The shopping areas
are too small for the wheelchair to navigate between the racks. Plus the wheelchair is heavy for my sister,
and getting too heavy for my hubby. It really does seem that all I do is bitch. But I bitch here on the
blog because the rest of the time I try to be nice to everyone. I want everyone to think I am nice.

I think I will reminisce about Yellowstone. We have been to Yellowstone three times. Once about
1983 or 1984. We had a Coleman pop up camper and traveled with my mother in law. I remember
that we got to Yellowstone Park on July 6 and it snowed on the 8th. We camped near the lake area
kind of nestled in the woods. We never saw any bears but part of that campground was closed because
of bears and we saw bear scratching 9 or 10 feet up in the tree right out side of the bathroom. It was
great! My husband and my mother in law left my son, our dog and myself at the campground while they
went to check in. While sitting on the table, because the ground was muddy, we heard a whuffing noise.
When we turned around we saw a female moose, a juvenile, and a baby. The female was probably
8 feet tall. While sitting on top of the picnic table I was eye level with her, and only about 4 feet away.
You can bet our pekingnese dog never made a noise. It was a magical moment.

The next time we went to Yellowstone it was 1991. We had two boys, one was about 11, the other was
6. My sister also went with us in the same pop up camper. We camped in a different camp ground, but again
it was near the lake and near the bear feeding area. Also it was near the areas burned out in 1988. We
saw many of the areas that were growing back. Because of the Gulf War there was not a lot of travel
that year and they had more rangers leading walks. We went out with one fellow who took us to some
back country thermal areas not usually seen. Then we went with another ranger who took us out in the
bison meadows for a talk Finally, at night there was a campfire program about Yellowstone in the early
years. These programs were really great. If you ever get a chance to take such a program be sure to
take advantage of them.

The last time we went to Yellowstone it was in 1993. This time we rented their camp cabins, which were
considered "improved". They had bathrooms, hot and cold water, two full size beds, a cot for the 5th
person, rugs on the floor. No cooking was allowed but we had a hot pot for coffee and hot chocolate,
and if you wished you could have a camp stove outside. The cabins were wooden and had heaters. There
were also places you could see through the walls. LOL But the mattresses and linens were clean and
we had a great time. There were deer and bison living right outside, and like all the other times, we
covered the entire park. We did not get to the back country, but we saw everything that was accessible
by car. There were places to eat that did not cost us an arm and a leg, and we had picnic stuff in the
van. I don't think I will even try to tell you all the miracles and wonders that are there, but if you ever
get the chance to see Yellowstone then by all means, see it. It is a wonderful place, not to be missed.
Summer, winter, day or night, or crippled there is nothing like Yellowstone.

2005-12-09T15:32:00.001-08:00

Friday night has arrived. I really don't have anything to talk about, again. In the past, before I was sick,
when I had money, we would go out to eat on Friday nights. I certainly miss the good old days. I admit
I am a glutton. I wish I could go out to eat again. How about a San Antonio steak, medium rare, salad with
honey mustard, no onion. Baked potato, butter no sour cream. Iced tea. A-1 sauce on the steak. MMMM
Or barbque. a small burnt end dinner, baked potato, butter no sour cream, cole slaw, maybe Charles and I
will split the baked beans. I could go on for ten minutes, at least. I'm not hungry, but I am craving some
things which we cannot afford now.

It is time to go watch TV, except there is nothing to watch. Christmas season and I am depressed. Dying
and no money. Boo Hoo poor me.

2005-12-09T15:32:00.000-08:00

2005-12-08T20:19:00.000-08:00

I really don't have anything to talk about tonight. I have whined enough for a few days, except to say that the
morphine sulphate liquid seems to work much better than the oramorph tablets. I need to find some way to
reconcile the pain situation, so that the pain is controllable at an even rate.

I chose the bulldog on my picture because I love bulldogs. I had a female bulldog when I was a child.
She was a wonderful friend who just came to us as a stray. I think someone had lost her out of a car and
was unable to find her. She had been "fixed" by someone before she arrived. I think she was probably 3 or
4 years old, and lived another 6 or 7 years. She was a brindle and white female, very well bred. I would
love to own one now, except they cost an exorbitant amount, much more than we could ever afford. Now
we have a buff and white cocker spaniel. She is a sweet, loving pet but she loves my husband. She likes the
rest of us, but as far as she is concerned, my husband is the important person.

I don't think we will decorate for Christmas. I am not able to go downstairs to get Christmas supplies,
besides I don't really feel like decorating. The husband and sons don't want to decorate either, so that is
the end of that. I guess I could cry and cry, make the point that this might be my very last Christmas,
etc.etc. but that is pretty low, don't you think? Think I will just let it drop. After all, Christmas is supposed
to be a celebration of Christ's birth, not whether we put up a tree or not. Furthermore, we are very
short on money too. I have put books on charge for the brother in law, both of the sisters, and for the
husband. I haven't gotten gifts for the boys. I think I will give them cash so they can get what ever they
want. They always hate the clothing, any gift I get, anyway. That leaves my brother and my
father. I want my husband to get them gifts from Sam's Club when we get paid; which will be next
Wednesday. Then I will wrap the gifts.

I also would like to bake: brownies, rice krispie treats, fudge, and sweet and spicy nuts. I have all the
goodies, except for the nuts. But if the husband will not buy the nuts, then I cannot make the sweet and
spicy nuts. I need help for all of the treats, because I just cannot stir it. Then for the dinner I want to
make pumpkin pies and pecan pies. The pie crust is made by Betty Crocker. I have never been able to
make a set by myself, but who cares anyway. The filling is what is important.

Finally, I don't want to go to Dad's houise for Christmas. I am lazy, but what the hey! I don't want to take
the potty, the walker, and the wheelchair; in addition to the gifts and the food. I am the one who is dying,
let them make the effort . That is enough for tonight. If anyone has a topic to suggest, then by all means,
suggest it. I probably have an opinion, I usually have opinions.

2005-12-07T21:33:00.000-08:00

We stayed up pretty late last night, 1:30-2:00 am., so we slept late. It was 11 before we got up, and
then I dragged all day. About 2:30 or so I fixed some ramen noodles and ate them, then took 2 potassium
tablets and 2 iron tablets. In less than half an hour I was sick and threw it all up again. I think it was the
tablets that caused me to be sick. I feel very depressed because of the Drs. prognosis. He has always
been very sure that I am going to die soon. It is all up to the Lord, not us. On the other hand, I can
tell that I am deteriorating. I no longer have energy, no longer want to do things. I did go to see Harry
Potter and the Goblet of Fire. I wanted to see it badly but it took a lot out of me. Perry and Sandy
took me over Thanksgiving. They were the only who wanted to see it also and were willing to indulge
me.

I have been doing some silk ribbon embroidery on the Christmas swaps we had. I have not been working
very hard on it, but what I have done looks very nice. Peggy is very sick too. She has pulmonary dystrophy
which means that she will eventually die because she is not able to breathe. I don't know how long that
is going to take, but if she doesn't quit smoking it may not be long. It conceivably could happen that my sister
and I both die before my 83 yr. old Dad. How's that for something to think about?

I need to finish the vest for Sandy now. I'm afraid that if I don't, I may never finish the vest. I know that
is negative but so be it. I am also losing my thought abilities also. Speaking ability is going first. I just
don't remember the words I want to use. It is bad enough when writing, but speaking is very bad.
Everyone is ignoring my loses, but I notice it.

I have been writing back and forth to Janet. She has been very good for me. She has problems also so
it has been good for me. And we both are up at all times of the night so it is good to have some one
to talk to. Oh, well. That is enough for tonight. Enough of those negative waves, Moriarity.

2005-12-06T20:26:00.000-08:00

Today I had chemo and saw the Dr. The tech took a small, finger prick, to check the platelet count and the
red blood count. Then the nurse took two vials to send to Quest to get a more thorough check of potassium,
iron, etc. After that I got 2 tylenol, an amount of benadryl, a flush, herceptin, a flush, zometa, and a flush to
finish. It really doesn't count as chemo, and they really don't care if I get it or not.

Then I saw and talked to the Dr. I have two lumps on my skull, the right arm has a thickening, the left arm
is thickening and I have a really large lump in the left breast. Dr. B. doesn't think that there is any more
reason to keep trying chemo, but he will anyway as long as I want to try. I cannot think of the name of the
chemo he wants to use, but we will start it after Christmas. The alternative is to start hospice. Now, I
don't know what he means by hospice exactly, but I know I don't want to start it.

That's all for tonight. I really don't want to talk anymore.

2005-12-05T22:41:00.000-08:00

I have some new symptoms to report. First, there is a new lump on my skull, just a little to the right of
the center. It is about a pea size right now, and is not sore to the touch. Second, I had some weird
reaction of the right hand. My thumb felt funny is the best I can describe it. I could move the thumb, but
only a bit, say 1/2 in or so. The right hand was held out straight, fingers and thumb. I held the right hand
with the left hand and both hands were throbbing. It all stopped in about 3 minutes.

I am scheduled to go see the Dr. tomorrow. I am scheduled for blood test, chemo and then Dr. visit.
Or maybe Dr, and then visit; either way doesn't make much diffirence. The only I know for certain is
that I will not have the Gemzar again. Dr. Beeki said I had 2 other possible drugs and then he was
finished. I need to tell him that I have a lump in the left breast, and that I have a sore place in the
right rear part of my back.

Changing subject: We watched the new mini show, but I have already forgotten the name. It wasn't
too good or too bad. I think we will probably watch it again tomorrow, maybe. Not nearly as good
as Harry Potter, of course.

I am working on the crazy quilt now. It is one of the Christmas swaps and I am using everything that
I received in the swap. It is colors of burgundy, navey and white, yellow, and navey and white again.
In the center is a cow and a sheep or goat and a deer? It is yellow red and gold. Looks better than it
thinks. So, that is what I am working on now.

2005-12-03T11:05:00.000-08:00

Yesterday, December 2, was my birthday. I am now 53 years old. How did this ever happen? I don't feel
53 years old. I don't feel morbidly obese either, for that matter. Nor do I feel terminally ill. I am beginning
to feel like I am in pain almost all the time. Thank God for morphine. What did people do 100 years ago
before they had pain killers? Take what opiates they had? They probably just died a lot sooner. I pray my
Lord my Soul to keep.

Changing the subject: I have been to Disney World four times. 1988, then 1991 or 1992, the next year-1992 or
1993, then 1997. The best times were 1988 and 1997. Three of four times we took Jesse (my nephew)
along because we felt guilty. We wanted to do something nice for him and Peggy wanted to take him along.
He did not want to go, even when he was a little, tiny tyke. I just don't understand that. What kid in America
does not want to go to Disneyworld? My kids would have had more fun without him, that's for sure.
We stayed at Fort Wilderness, at the trailers. They had a full kitchen, a full bath, a bedroom with a bunk
bed, a queen bed, and another sink. Also there was a 2nd door to the outside from the bedroom as a
safety precaution. In the living room there was a murphy bed, a couch, two chairs, a closet, and a TV.
The kitchen also had a small table that had 2 chairs. There was a full refrigerator, a full stove, and a
dish washer. Also there was daily maid service. I believe we paid $185.00 a night, including the extra
adult charge. It was heaven. I would like to stay at the ultra expensive Flagler Hotel with concierge service.
But all things considered, the Fort Wilderness trailers are the best, bar none, the best place to stay.

Furthermore, I don't think you can beat staying on property. If you stay on property you can get up
early, have breakfast either at one of the buffets (fabulous) or the character breakfasts (absolutely must
at least once). Or you can have breakfast on the run as you hit one of the parks that open early. Or you
can have breakfast in the leisure of your own trailer, and still get into the parks before the tourists coming
from outside. It is great to spend the morning at the parks, go back to your trailer or room for a swim
and a nap, then back to the parks in the evenings. It is surprising how many people are now leaving.
The tourists from outside are exhausted, ready to die from exhaustion. You are just getting ready to
go for a second round and watching for the fire works. Or maybe you will skip the fire works but have
a long, leisurely dinner. Have you come to the conclusion that I love Disney World? If I had enough
money I would stay there for weeks at a time. I don't think I would even have to go to the theme
parks, I just love the customer service. Maybe tomorrow we will discuss Yellowstone Park, another
place I love to go.

2005-12-02T20:47:00.000-08:00

Why am I keeping this blog? Mostly I am just keeping a diary for myself, to keep track of my condition,
or maybe I should say my deterioration. Also to let you know what it is like to be considered terminal, if
you are interested. LOL

I am hurting now and I have been almost all day. The Dr. has suggested that I take two oramorph tablets,
in the middle of the day, as well as four in the morning and four in the night. That is instead of the "strike
out " medicine in the middle of the day. It is the liquid, eye dropper morphine sulphate, that I was taking
instead, I had gotten to where I was taking 4 to 6 doses a day. But I do not understand how it is that the
liquid morphine was working, and the solid tablets did not. I took 4 tablets of oramorph about 45 min
ago. I am very sleepy, but at least I am not hurting quite so much.

I told you about the lumps I have developed on my skull. It is not on the brain, as far as I know. It scares
me because I am becoming dyslexic. I cannot reach the words I want; or if I can get the words, I can't
get them out. For instance, I was trying to talk to Sandy while we making fudge. I tried to tell her to turn
the heat down because the candy was burning. It just wouldn't come out. I could only say onion, over and
over. It turned out all right. She took the candy off the heat anyway. We finished the fudge, all was well.
Except that the candy was a little under done. Craig and Dan have just about finished the set anyway. We
will need to make another set. We have all the ingredients anyway. Just need to get started. I wonder if
the boys want to make some cookies to take to work.

2005-11-29T20:30:00.000-08:00

Here it is, Tuesday night. I am waiting for Charles to get home. He is a grown man. I should not wait for him
but I do. I'm also waiting for Daniel to come home from Minsky's. I don't think a mother ever stops that sort
of thing. No matter how old they maybe or how old I get; I am still waiting for my chicks to get home safely.
There is a possibility of slippery roads tonight. The atmosphere has been just a little wet, and there is moisture
in the air, could turn icy.

You know when we first got married we expected to be broke, so if we had to scrimp and save it just seemed
normal. We expected to get better off through the years, jobs improving. We expected our children to go to
college and do better than we had. But that hasn't happened. Through their own choices the kids have not gone
to college. They have had choices, hard choices, yes, but they have done what they wanted. On the other hand,
Craig and I have not done what we wanted. He wanted to quit working early, wanted me to work and support
him for a few years. That was something I did not find appealing, but I felt I owed him. I did stay home and
took care of children. So I was going to allow him the same courtesy. But then I got cancer and suddenly
we are scratching just to get by. Watching every penny. At the age when we expected to relax we are
scratching for every penny. It sucks, blows chunks. I do not like green eggs and ham, Sam I am.

I have a lump on the back of my head; about the size of a goose egg. It hurts to the touch, especially to
sleep on at night. That's on the right side. On the left side, on the front temple there is a place about the
size of a pea that hurts to touch. That's all so far; no other symptoms. Except for the occasional palsy or
jerk. I don't know how much longer I will live. I certainly do not want to be fed, have my diaper changed,
etc. Please God, let me die with dignity. I don't want to be like that woman in the home. Her body lived
on but the brain was long gone, like a vegetable.

2005-11-28T21:21:00.000-08:00

I have been reading my past postings. They are very repetitive. I apologize. In the future I will try to be more
original. I spent a lot of my time today talking to the brother and the sisters. They want to make sure that I
know all about the sickness of my older sister, her procedures, what the Drs. said, etc. etc. I am supposed to
care. Well, OK. I guess I care. But I am growing very tired of being sick and having other people being sick.
Even though it is mean, I'm just tired of the whole kit and kaboodle. I'm tired of being sick, I'm tired of other
people being sick, I'm tired of being broke. I'm tired of being old and ugly too. And my head hurts too.

I would like to be rich and beautiful. I would go on a cruise and have 2 or 3 handsome men chasing after me.
Only 2 or 3 I don't want too many to deal with. I'd have gorgeous clothes to wear, beautiful hair. We would
dance a lot. I could be an international trust baby, jetting from here to there, avoiding the paparazzi. Eventually
I would find something worthwhile to do, help the world while remaining beautiful; never a hair out of place.

Or I could own and operate a ranch in New Mexico. Sort of a bed and breakfast/sport ranch. We would
raise exotic game. My brother in law could run that side of the operation. Part of the time he would guide
hunters, part of the time he would guide non-hunters who just wanted to experience the wilderness. My
sister, his wife, would run the money side of course. The older sister would decorate and garden. I would
run the hotel side. It would be up to the other men, my husband, sons, brother, whether they wanted to take
an active part in the ranch or not. We would need at least one possibly more to operate the game; as well
as the horses and cattle. I think we could have great fun.

I need to stop dreaming now. I have a couple of chores to finish in reference to Christmas. The group has
decided not to draw names, so we are going to purchase gifts for each person. Then wrapping, decorating,
etc. plus the cooking too. We have already made fudge and I want to make another batch of fudge as
well as datenut candy. Not tonight of course. But I need to start by looking at Barnes and Noble tonight.
Good night and God Bless.

2005-11-27T21:12:00.000-08:00

Sunday night continued. I have been collecting family history for several years but neglected my generation
and the generation following. I realize now that has been a mistake. Therefore, I have contacted several of
my cousins and requested that they supply the missing information, such as the birth, marriage, and death
dates of their parents, their siblings, and their children. We are missing a lot of that information for the Lees.
I hope that they will complete the info and send it to me. Both Linda and Rose have done that, and I thank
them.

Switching subjects, I felt really bad almost all day. I was hurting, really hurting. Then at 4:20 pm I took 4ml
of morphine sulphate and 2 Tylenol. Then I asked Craig to prop my legs up. He tried but when he lifted the
right leg it cramped something awful and I told him to quit. Then, for some strange reason, the cramp in the
right leg stopped, the ache or pinch or whatever you call it that I had had all day in the right hip stopped.
The ache in the lower back stopped and I generally felt much better than I have felt in two or three days.
Cross my fingers, praise God, Hallelulah! Whatever, the pain is gone for awhile. It started to come back
about 9:20pm so I tried the same medication, 4ml morphine sulphate and 2 Tylenol, and I will keep it up!
The lump on the back of my head still hurts, the lump on my collarbone still itches and aches, and I still
itch but I can live with this. Besides I am sure that the itch is caused by the morphine.

The family has voted no on drawing names for Christmas. This means we will need to buy gifts for everyone.
I am not at all sure what I will do. We cannot really afford anything; but I will probably try to squeeze about
$20 per person. I have already done Phil. I ordered Harry Potter: The Half-Blood Prince for him. I also
ordered three books that I might give to Peggy. She would be really pissed. I would give the books to her,
then expect to borrow them. It has a certain amount of symmetry. The two books about Native American
detectives, similar to Tony Hillerman, would appeal to her. I just might do it. Perry, Sandy, and Papa :
I think we will take home photos then put them on iron on transfers. Then I (or someone) will put the
photos on shirts for the Three. That's it! Papa, Peggy, Phil, and Sandy are all (almost) taken care of.
Then I need my three men: Craig, Dan, and Charlie.

By the way, we went to see HP: The Goblet of Fire. It was excellent, even had you never read the
book If you had read the book, you would miss a few scenes but the reason they are missing is obvious.
I cannot wait to see this movie again, and again!

Last note for tonight. It certainly appears that my pen pal in NC does not want to write anymore. So
be it. I have apologized twice when I don't even know what I might have done, still no response from
her. I am going to remove her email now. Finite.

2005-11-27T18:48:00.000-08:00

Sunday night. I just finished reading Patra's Other Place, a blog written by an Australian lady who volunteers
for working with the elderly. Whew! What a mouth full! Anyway she mentioned kissing an elderly disabled
man at a party, a simple enough thing. But then the rest of the elderly men sitting at that table insisted upon
kisses also. This reminded me of leaving my older son at day care, many years ago. I made it a habit to take
my son inside, take off his coat and hat, and give him a hug and kiss before I left. One day I noticed a little girl
staring at us as we went through our routine. So I asked her if she wanted a kiss also. Oh, boy! did she ever!
From that day on I was required to hug and kiss both the little kids. I never found out what her name was,
but the kiss and hug made us all three feel good. In fact, a hug and kiss every morning would be welcome now.

I am working on a Crazy Quilt square now: blues and whites signifying a couple of snowpeople dancing.
It is not supposed to represent anything but 2 snowpeople, something fun to pass to time. A person
can read and watch TV only so long.

2005-11-26T19:54:00.000-08:00

Today I accomplished very little. I think I slept most of the day. I did type a "family" letter to put in the Christmas
cards. This is the first time I have done that; a new experience. Mainly my intention is to request the family
information; such as birth dates, death dates, wedding dates, etc. We have Great grandfather Lee and Great
grandmother Lee, but very few of my generation and the children who followed. The following generation is
just as important. I don't think the generations should drift apart. I typed up what I know which I intend to put
into each Christmas card that I am going to send out. That is all that I can do.

I hurt today. My left shoulder, the back of my head, the right hip, the middle of the hip, the middle of the abdomen all are hurting. I guess I could go eat some ice cream to distract myself, but it would probably
would not work I would still hurt.

I took an extra oramorph, 5 instead of 4. That is not enough to o-d, I don't think. I don't want to commit
suicide, because I don't want Craig to have to clean up the mess. But I do want to take enough to stop
hurting.

Money is always a problem. We never have enough. The personal property tax is coming due, and the real
estate tax. Then in March we have car insurance and my personal insurance. I do not know where that will
come from. Please God, provide.

2005-11-25T08:56:00.000-08:00

The day after Thanksgiving. I have just had an epiphany. I have just realized something about myself, a bit late.
I like to cook, and I am stuck with people who do not like to eat. Oh, I love to eat also. I'll admit to being a
glutton. But not as much as I need people to appreciate what I do. I need people to enjoy what I cook; to ooh
and awe, and reaffirm what I do. I think if I had had someone like that, a long ago, my life would have been
different. I might have been different in a lot of little ways.

I have been unfulfilled most of my life, and therefore, I have not been able to fulfill others. We stumble around each other, without connecting. Like sitting on a really comfortable chair at the end of a hard day. I just have
not been comfortable. Always hungry, seeking. I am hungry right now, wanting some of that great Scimecas's
great olive salads.

We did not go to Dad's house yesterday. I was too tired, just didn't want to take the wheelchair, the walker,
the potty chair; plus the Thanksday Giving food. The accoutrement to the meal, plus being ill. Craig went to Dad's house and brought left-overs to us . It was nicer anyway. We could eat without the awkward conversation!! I certainly enjoyed it and I think the younger set did also. Sandy and Phil stopped by on the way to their motel. It was the longest conversation I have had with Phil. We discussed his Dad's health (not good), his brother's health, also not well. We also discussed his health and his future, not exemplary but better than
mine.

I'm going to quit now. Go to you know where. Look for something to eat again. Sandy and Phil should be dropping by and their way to airport. Chow.

2005-11-24T19:04:00.000-08:00

Thanksgiving Day. I did not go up to Dad's house. After my husband helped me shower, I laid down again.
Dozed off a little while prior to having C. perform torture, ie. put on the support stockings. Trouble was that
after dozing there I just couldn't bear to go to Papa's house. Even though S. was working so hard to get the
Thanksgiving ready and served. I just couldn't face taking the chair lift downstairs, then out to the van, use
the walker to navigate across the gravel to the door where they would meet me with the wheelchair. Then the
reverse for the return. I am feeling very guilty, but still I didn't go. They better get used to it, I guess. P. is in
the hospital so her holiday was a bust also. S. and P. came by a little while later. They are scheduled to stop over for a while tomorrow. We need to draw names for gifts; yet I have no idea of how much we should spend.
Perhaps $50 each.

I also have not done much needlework. I am embroidering a cq square, some what. I incorportated two
snowpeople. I hope they kind of look like dancing on a background of varied shades of blue. Also perhaps
floweries or fairies. All and all, it should be rather full. I see that my style tends toward more restrained.
But what will be, will be. At least I can still sew, if I cannot speak.

Returning to the Thanksgiving dinner, Sandy gave Craig a lot of left overs so that we can still enjoy the
food. I have already had a batch and expect to have more. To be continued tomorrow I hope.

2005-11-23T21:01:00.000-08:00

I now have cancer in the lining of my brain, possibly in the brain. I definitely have a large lump on the right,
lower rear of my head. It feels like a large egg, and it itches and sometimes aches. I am losing my ability to
speak. This evening my sister and I were making fudge, but I could not speak. I knew what words I wanted
to say, I just could not make the words come out. That is very scary.
Tomorrow we will go to my Dad's house for Thanksgiving. Most of the food has been prepared by Hyvee but
Sandy is going to warm things up. She will also make mashed potatoes, prepare the cranberry sauce, and I
don't know what else. Perry Jr. has made the stuffed celery. Sandy and I both have made deviled eggs. I have
2 pumpkin and 2 pecan pies. I have to remember to take the pies, the fudge, readi whip, and the turkey breast.
Also a stick of butter. I think that is all.

I need to nag the boys to go to hospital to visit Peggy. They really need to go see her. Hopefully, I will get to
go home early. I may not make an entry tomorrow, I won't make any promises. Goodnight.

2005-11-22T21:25:00.000-08:00

My younger sister went to chemo with me today, but after talking with the nurse, I elected to not have a treatment. They gave me Gemzar last week, this makes the 4th or 5th time we have tried this particular drug.
My legs swelled and clear fluid oozed from wounds (this happens when your extremity gets swollen and stays
that way). Also I had seen blood in the urine again, and my back has been hurting more. So that was it. The
Dr. says that they have 2 more anti-cancer drugs they might try on me. After that, who knows? We have known
all along that these are only maintenance measures anyway. It gets to be a question of how much I am willing
to tolerate in order to extend my life.

My Dad took my older sister to the emergency room this afternoon. She has been admitted. At this point they
are not sure whether her problem is pulmonary or heart. We know she has heart disease, and we know that
she has a lot of scarring in the lungs. I think she has that COPD and heart disease. I can't tell you how many
times she has been told to quit smoking, lose weight, and exercise. Maybe she will pay attention. At this point
it looks like a race: will I die of cancer or she will die of heart problems. Poor Dad keeps on plugging away.
My younger sister (the one who went to chemo with me) is trying to nurture everyone. I hope she doesn't
collapse.

2005-11-21T19:55:00.000-08:00

My sister, brother, brother-in-law, and I went to see Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire tonight. It is an
outstanding movie, whether you have read the book first or not. I highly recommend this movie. Of
course, it is not exactly the same as the book, it could not possibly be. They have left out huge chunks
in order to make the script run smoothly and keep it under 3 hours. It is also darker and scarier; not
something for a child under the age of 13. In summation the acting is perfect, cinematography perfect,
scripting perfect, and editing perfect. I cannot wait to see it again.

Tomorrow I am scheduled for chemo treatment. I have to tell the nurse that I have blood in the urine again
and sharp pain in the right back. I think that the Gemzar is responsible. The problem is that if we stop the
Gemzar treatments, we have only two more drugs to try. Yeah, I know. We have known all along that
this is only maintenance; I have no right to expect a cure. Nuff said.

This is the first time I have seen my brother in law in 4 years. He looks rough. He has been fighting heart
disease for a few years now. He has not actually had an attack, but did have a by pass. He has also
been fighting his weight for the twenty five years I've known him. Not that he has ever been obese, but
he will put on twenty or thirty pounds and then take them off. He has never maintained an even weight.
Right now he is on the down side; he has lost thirty pounds. He looks too thin; his face looks gaunt
and the muscles on his neck are stringy. In general, he just looks gray: gray hair, gray skin. He is a year
younger than me but I look better than he does; except for being in the wheel chair.

I'm going to quit now. I have other things I want to do before bedtime. Later, gator.

2005-11-20T20:49:00.000-08:00

I have found myself spending more and more time thinking about the past. Like really old people who don't
remember today, but have perfect memory of fifty years ago. I'm not that bad! Yet. But I still discover myself
reviewing old happenings, old conversations. I'm wondering why I didn't say something else, do something else.
Why didn't I know this or that. For example, why didn't my father's parents like Me? Am I just overly sensitive?
No, I don't think so. I certainly know that my mother's mother and step-father were warm, loving, giving equally
among 10 grandchildren. The other two, I'll call them Pop and Granny Lee, discriminated between my cousins
and myself. I can remember sitting on Pop's lap when I was 3 or 4, he would bribe me with candy to sit on his
lap, and then he would pinch my legs and ass. I would squirm and cry and try to get down but he would let me
down only when an adult noticed and said something. I don't think there was anything sexual going on, other
than that he enjoyed making me cry. Granny Lee always made ginger bread..but strangely she always ran out
before I got any. By the time I was 6 or 7 I realized that we rarely visited their house. Even though they lived in
the same small town, we only saw them on holidays or special occasions. After I was grown I asked my mother
about the differences between my father's parents and her parents. Of course, in most families a woman
stays closer to her mother so we will discount that. My mother said that she had always felt a certain amount
of coolness from her parents in law. Also she had noticed the lap and pinching behavior, not just with me,
but with my younger sister and one of my other cousins. She and the mother of the other cousin caught him
pinching me one day; confronted him in the presence of the husbands. That's when the flue hit the shan.
We didn't see much of the grandparents after that and within another few years we moved to Kansas City.
I never saw my grandmother again and I only saw Pop a few times.

You see my point? What purpose does it serve to go over these old things? What difference does it make
that Pop Lee was a mean old pedophile? Or that the two of them preferred their blonde, blue eyed
grandchildren to their dark eyed, olive skinned grandchildren? We turned out pretty well anyway.

2005-11-19T19:48:00.000-08:00

What day is this? Saturday? My sister and her husband arrived from Atlanta about 4:15pm. They spent
some time at my Dad's house, saying hello. I had made a big pot of penne pasta with meat sauce ( hamburger
and mild sausage), olive salad, and garlic bread. But I didn't have any lettuce. My older sister, the one who
lives with the father, had salad but had not prepared a meal. So...after visiting a while at Papa's, the three
younger family members, S, P, and Pjr, brought the salad to my house and ate. They are going to stay at a
motel. There is room at Papa's house, but no bedding. I just don't have room or bedding. I feel guilty. My
parents generation would have made room, no matter how mean. Even if 8 people were sharing one bed-
room, they would throw blankets down and sleep on the floor. People just didn't expect as much. They made
do. I remember sleeping over with some relatives once, and we (my grandmother, grandfather, sister, and I)
slept in the back of a dump truck. Another time, that same summer, we went "camping" at a lake somewhere
in the Dallas area. My grandmother threw a huge canvas tarp on the ground, we threw some blankets and
pillows on one side of the tarp, and pulled the other side of the tarp over us. Like a sandwich. The moon was
big but there were some clouds. The wind blew all night, so we could lay there and watch the clouds
blowing across the face of the moon. It was sort of spooky, but also cozy; laying between my grandmother
and my sister. There was another time in Denver. We were staying with my mother's cousin. In the basement
they had a real feather bed, thrown over an old metal spring set. Six little girls, including me, slept on that
feather bed for two or three nights. Good times were had by all. I have many good memories like that.
Tomorrow or some day soon, I'll tell you more.

2005-11-18T19:39:00.000-08:00

Good evening. This blogging process reminds me of being 13 and keeping a pink leatherette diary. Dear Diary,
Today I talked to a boy!.....Only now it's Dear Diary, I am experiencing pain again today. In the right hip,
upper groin area. On a scale of 1 to 10, it's about 5 or 6. Almost too much, but not quite. It feels like a cramp.
On the positive side, it is better than yesterday. And C. got my prescription for Oramorph filled so that takes care of the pain pills. I won't need to worry about them for at least 2 weeks. I am jerking more; like a spastoid,
or Tourettes syndrome. Seems to come more in the evening when I am tired. No one else has said anything about it. I don't know if they have noticed. My left, lower lip is numb and I slur my words more.. Not a funny
joke, just something I have noticed. I am going to take some of the liquid morphine now.

My mother had breast cancer also. She died in 1978, just before my 26th birthday. She was 48 years old. At
lease I have lived longer than she did. I think this just shows you how much treatment has improved. When
I was a girl we lived in Hereford, Tx. and in Hereford, in the summer, they had a truck that sprayed DDT
that did the circuit of the town. I don't remember how frequently it made the circuit, but I'm inclined to say
at least twice a week. I know of at least one occasion that I was caught in a cloud, I really got a good
snout full. I had to come inside and bathe, wash my hair, and put on clean clothes. I have heard speculation
that DDT is know to cause breast cancer. I do know that my mother died of the disease, and I will probably
die of breast cancer. Plus the lady who lived just to the north of our house has died of cancer, type
unknown, the lady across the street had surgery and some type of cancer, and finally, Terry, the young
man who lived on the north has had several skin lesions removed. I personally think that is too many to
be coincidence.

Changing the subject, I do needlework. Specifically I do crazy quilting, surface embroidery, and silk ribbon
embroidery. I enjoy embroidery because a person can work on it almost any where, any time, plus even
when following a pattern, your work is totally unique. It takes an extremely skillful person to copy your
embroidery, there are too many ways that it can be screwed up. I have made two crazy quilt vests, one
in black and gold, (for me) another in browns, beige and copper, and finally a girly pink and lavendar. One for
each sister. Quelle chic? (is that how we spell it?) Guess what? I can scarcely hold my eyes open. Time
to stop for tonight. Good night, my own single comment person.

2005-11-17T21:44:00.000-08:00

I have comments! Some one has been reading my blog! Because I really started this just for my own benefit,
and I have taken some care to disguise names, I'm not sure how I feel about strangers reading this. Really I
just sort of talk to myself, nothing important. A way to work out my feelings? Maybe that is why I blog? I'll
think about it.

I have been shopping for real estate the last hour or so. Homes for sale in New Mexico. If I only had some
money, and if I wasn't dying. I truly love New Mexico. Right now there is a new 3 bedroom, 2.5 bath
home in Chamisa for sale, only half a million. 1+ acres, a small creek running through the front yard. I could
live there. Fantasy time.

My back hurts, it has hurt all day, but seems worse now. On the right side, about the same area as my
kidney. I wonder if it is the kidney? Only time will tell. All I know now is that the morphine sulfate seems
ineffective. How long am I supposed to be here? Don't know, guess I'll have to make the most of it. I did
not accomplish anything today, didn't cook, didn't sew. I did feed myself several times, brushed my teeth,
combed my hair. Also spread up the bed. Hurrah! I wonder sometimes if I don't have narcolepsy. I keep
falling asleep unless constantly stimulated. Just woke up again. Must have been asleep for about 3 min.
What was I thinking about? Must be a sign to stop boggling. I'll be back tomorrow.

2005-11-16T13:05:00.000-08:00

What is my condition today? The cancer has invaded the bones in my hips, pelvis and lower spine. There has
been damage to the nerves controlling my left leg. The foot is twisted to my right and when I attempt to walk
the foot points to the ground but I cannot pull it back up. Therefore I have a brace on that leg to pull the foot
back up in walking position. I cannot stand upright, nor lay in a flat position. I can walk approximately 10
ft. at a time, with a walker. The last MRI I had showed dark "masses" in the lining of the brain. I had two "masses" behing the left eye which were somehow causing double vision. The radiologist, a drop dead
gorgeous blonde woman, recommended 14 radiation treatments. She was concerned that the treatments would
cause me to have a dry socket or no tears; I was lucky. The double vision is gone and I can still make tears in
both eyes. Now I have a numb spot involving the chin, lower lip, gum, and upper lip; left side of course. There is
a lump or swollen lymph node about the size of a grape on my collar bone, and finally another lump the size
of a hen's egg on the back of my head, right side. Both of the lumps are sensitive to touch. I will be 53 years
old in just a few days, and I am "morbidly" obese. That "morbidly" obese part, which I read on one of my
medical charts, really pisses me off. Of course, when I was in the hospital I was like a whale that the
nurses and orderlies had to wrestle around. I lost sixty pounds while in the hospital. Actually, I was NPO
meaning nothing by mouth for 8 days. People were allowed to give me ice chips, but nothing else. This is
due to aspirating the fecal matter. They decided that I must have a blockage in my intestine, went in to
repair it. Once they had me open they found that I did not have a blockage, also no cancer in the intestine.
Nevertheless, I went without food for a very long time. Great way to diet.

2005-11-15T20:00:00.000-08:00

Another pain filled, boring day for which I am grateful, OH LORD, THANK YOU! I got up about 9, C. had to
put my support hose on (I hate how much he resents this chore). Then he moved the porta potty to the bathroom, emptied the bin, and put the raised chair portion on the toilet. I finished dressing, wheeled into the
kitchen and fixed myself breakfast. He fixes his own, if he is going to eat at all. I don't mind, in fact, I like being
able to put together, eat, and then clean up my meals. But I know he resents doing it for me, and that hurts. It's not like I asked for this. And I have always been happy to take care of him. Guess that's the difference, huh!
I read Harry Potter, napped, formatted a bunch of floppies, then transferred a lot of my embroidery and craft files to the floppies. Napped some more. Wrote a letter to Janet in NC. I haven't heard from heard her in more
than a week. I'm worried about her. Don't know if I have offended her, or whether she is in too much pain to
bother with me, or if her husband has done something to prevent her from messing with computer. A few things
she has said led me to think he might be a tad abusive. Maybe she is just too busy getting ready for the holidays.

My sister and her husband are coming for Thanksgiving, then leaving Friday. She wants to make fudge while
she is here. I wouldn't make it otherwise. The other sister has gone on disability due to heart problems. It
will take a while for her to adjust. We will purchase Thanksgiving meal from HYVEE, except for an extra
turkey breast, extra mashed potatoes. Boys and I will make pumpkin and pecan pies. I insist. It is not a
holiday unless I make pies. P. will make the cranberry and orange relish. Love it. Also raw veggies and dip,
stuffed celery, and maybe deviled eggs. After all, I have an egg carrier now.

I made a loaf of potato and rosemary bread and chicken and dumpling soup. Then I did some embroidery,
made 2 appointments, called Walmart about pain pills. That's all. Oh, wrote in the blog. Watched TV.
Enjoyed David boyreanez? Now, I'm going to have another snack. I'm obese already, what's it going to hurt
now? Feel free to comment, if there is anyone reading this.

2005-11-14T20:14:00.000-08:00

Here it is--Monday again. Here I am, desperately trying to extend my life, and yet, what am I doing with thisextra time? Virtually nothing. I play on the computer, I watch TV, I read, I do needlework. I play with the dog,I cook, and I do a very little bit of housework. Oh, yes. I write letters. Before I got sick, I rarely evercommunicated with friends and relatives. Now, I have a few people that I contact regularly. True, not a lot ofpeople, but a lot more than before. I have a cousin in Arkansas with whom I had never communicated, now wesend emails back and forth regularly. The same with a cousin in Kentucky. The cousin in Kentucky, Linda, is aretired nurse. I sent a panicked letter to her asking for advice right after I entered the hospital. She has been anangel. A real brick. The ironic thing is that she is several years older than I, she has always been closer to mysister than me, and, in the past, we had contact only at Christmas. Now she calls me every other week. Theother cousin, the one in Arkansas, is Rose. She is a few years younger than I and honestly, I have actually seenher a total of about 8 hours in our entire lives. Yet, she has made it a habit to stay supportive also. Finally, thereis Keila. Keila is a friend of my younger sister. Shortly after I returned home, and was spending more time onthe computer, I started receiving jokes from her. Curious, I asked my sister why Keila was sending this stuff, which also included the usual chain prayers. The answer was simply that she wanted to cheer me up, despitethe fact that we had never met, never spoken and had the most tenuous of connections. A true Christian act.Think about this, please.

Several hours have passed and my mood has changed. I am no longer thinking how fortunate I am, but how
much I have missed. Granted, almost everything I am regretting is strictly a question of money, but some of it
is a question of choices I made. For instance, I chose to marry, not to continue with post-graduate training.
I could have gone into law, I could have become an academic, I could have taught. I could have been a
contender. I, possibly, could have made more money or married someone with more money. I never had a
man who was really, really wild about me. Even C. never loved me as much as I have loved him. I never had
designer clothes, fine jewels, a big house, a fancy car. I never traveled much, I never took a cruise, I never
slept in a really fine hotel. Yet, when I fantasize, somehow C. is always there somewhere. A lack of imagination?
Or just the fact that he truly is my mate?

Also, these commercials for Neulasta piss me off. "I'm ready to fight my cancer". No, duh! What, are they going
to show someone who is not ready? Someone who commits suicide? I also am very irritated by all the
Breast Cancer Awarness commercials. They make it sound like everyone wins. Why don't they show someone
who fought very hard, but still died? Musn't discourage anyone.

2005-11-13T09:12:00.000-08:00

Ok, here we go again. Today I hope to finish the background info, so we can continue with a blog that
really is just a blog, that is, an electronic diary. We left off as I was being transported back to the hospital.
I was vomiting, had severe diarrhea, and was complaining of pain in the right leg. Evidently I was de hydrated,
because when I woke I was hooked to IV's again. I also had a nurse who spoke English with a very thick
agent. It took almost repetitions before I understood her to say that my right hip was broken. When did this
happen, you ask? I have not the slightest clue. It seems that the only time I might have broken the hip was on
the first day, when this ordeal began, but I don't really know. I was scheduled for surgery in two days. Every
thing going smoothly. HaH! When surgery started I aspirated fecal matter into my lungs. Evidently the very
young surgeon and his gas man freaked. He called his brother, who just happened to be Chief of Surgery,
the hospital's leading pulmonary man, and a woman from CDC who specialized in blood diseases. All in
all, I was to be in the hospital until the middle of November. Then I was transferred back to the rehab
center, AN. I was not able to raise myself out of bed, or out of a wheel chair. However, once the attendants
helped me up, I could stumble behind a walker. The HMO decided I had used enough specialized care so
they sent me home just before Christmas. As it happened I had just taught myself to raise up out of bed, or
out of the wheelchair. My dear spouse spent a great deal of money putting in a chair lift and a step in shower
so that I can live at home. It was necessary. My Dr. would not allow me to go home without them. But
Halleluah, I am now at home. Next time I update this blog, I will concern myself with everyday activities.

2005-11-12T12:37:00.000-08:00

Continuing the saga of my cancer. It is September 2000, my husband has taken me into the emergency room
because I am having what? I don't know what is happening, one moment I was walking, the next I am
in more pain than I have ever known. At the hospital, they take my blood pressure and temp., I tell them my
oncologists name. The emergency room Dr. was rude. He kept asking me why I had cancelled an appointment
at the pain center and then was bothering him. I told him that I had been at the clinic to get an MRI when this
happened, ya da ya da. But then he disappeared, and they shot me up with drugs. Never saw that guy again.
So now we are back to where we started. My Indian oncologist has just told me that I am terminal. The cancer
has metastasized and caused quite a bit of nerve damage in the lower spine, something called the caudal
equinus or equinus caudal? Anyway, I cannot walk. The right leg is pretty normal (remember this later)
but the left I cannot lift, and the left foot is twisted down and the toes drag. I stay there in the hospital for
almost the rest of September, while I have 14 radiation treatments along the hips, pelvis, lower spine.
Then I am sent to a "re hab center" otherwise wise known as nursing home.

I was only at the nursing home, also known as AN, for six days. The first day I got there I had terrible
diarrhea. Humiliated myself by soiling myself, my clothing, the wheel chair and the floor, and immediately
angered most of the caretakers. All the time I was there I had horrible pain in my right leg. I kept
asking for more pain killers, telling the keepers that my leg hurt, but no one paid any attention. The
fourth night I was there my stomach got upset again. I again had loose bowels, continued for 2 more
nights. On the sixth night I was vomiting and defecating at the same time. The nurse/keeper was
thoroughly disgusted with changing my bedding. At this point she asked me if I wanted to be transported
to the hospital. I didn't really care, I was just too miserable and wanted something done. So she called
the ambulance to get me out of her hair. Tomorrow I will tell you what happened next.

2005-11-11T17:47:00.000-08:00

Today was chemo day. I go to a 6 physician practice that is located conveniently for me. The husband and I arrived about 9:15 am, then he left. One of the technicians took a blood test, then after waiting about half an hour, they took me back out to see the doctor. He examined the areas we know cancer is showing: a lump on the back of my head (right side). I also have thickened areas, probably lymph nodes, under each arm, and another swollen lymph node on the left side of my collarbone. Recently I have had a urinary tract infection and therefore stopped having treatments. But now that my hemoglobin counts have increased, we've decided that I will start infusion treatments again immediately. Consequently, I am knocked out. This is all for tonight.

2005-11-10T10:43:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I told you about being told I am terminal. I first learned I have cancer in October of 2000. Like
many women I found a lump. Yep, I was laying in bed one lazy Sunday morning, sleepily rubbing my breast
and suddenly there was something there. I wasn't very concerned because I had just had a mammogram
about a year before. Also once several years before a technician saw what he thought was cancer. At that
time I got very scared, and they performed a needle biopsy on my right breast. They told me that shadow on
the film was a fibroid mass, totally benign. So now even though the lump felt pretty big, I wasn't scared.
So I saw a surgeon who specialized in mastectomies. He did another needle aspiration (I think that's what
he called it) which confirmed a malignancy. He also said that I really had 2 lumps, maybe 3. And they were
big, 5 cm or so. He suggested that I have a round of chemo to shrink the tumors, then he would do surgery.
The oncologist I consulted agreed. So that's what we did; 6 months of chime, then surgery. I had what they
called a full right breast mustachioed. They told me how many lymph nodes were removed but promptly
forgot, suffice to say a lot. Though no one said, I got the impression at that time, that the Drs. expected the
cancer to return soon. I went home and after about a month later, had 33 radiation treatments. All my
family, coworkers, were incredibly loving and supportive and I felt I had really dodged a bullet.
Almost a year after the mastectomy I started having aches in my butt. Literally, the bone at the bottom
of the spine was hurting and I could not sit without pain. I went back to my primary care physician for
treatment. He told me that I must have bruised the coccyx, gave me some tylenol. I was seeing the
oncologist, he told me to do whatever the primary care guy recommended. What followed was a year
of Dr. appointments. I kept going back complaining about the pain, asking if it was cancer, and
being told that I must have bruised my butt, or maybe the coccyx was slightly deformed, or I might
have arthritis. I took all kinds of pain killers. Finally, in late August I was having trouble walking, and the
oncologist sent me for another bone scan(I had already had one) and an MRI. The day I was at the
clinic for the MRI with my husband, I was walking down the hallway when I heard a snap and
suddenly had excruciating pain. Even though I was crying, moaning, and pissing my pants, the
technicians at this lab wanted me to finish a series of x-rays and the MRI. I refused and demanded, no
begged my husband to take me to the hospital, which of course he did. This is where I am going to stop
today. I am tired, about to fall asleep. If anyone cares, I will continue tomorrow.

2005-11-09T19:51:00.000-08:00

Today is November 9, 2005. On September 10, 2003 an oncologist told me that I had a stage 4 cancer. That
means it is all over. Hasta la vista, bebe! The breast cancer that took my right breast on March 8, 2001 had
metastasized and spread into my spine, hips, and pelvis. This short, dark brown man, (I think he is an Indian)
told me that I would live 6 to 14 months depending upon how agressive I wanted to be. I told him that I wanted
to be very agressive. I can't just give up and die. I have always been a non-practicing Christian, meaning I believe in Jesus as my Saviour, but I don't care much for churchs. Other than funerals and weddings, I have not been
in a church in many, many years. I am doing a lot of praying now. It is working, too. I am still living, 2 years+
since my negative prognosis. I'm tired now. Tomorrow I will tell you more about my cancer.